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Grunts, also known as pigs, chimpanzees, gas junkies, cutie pies, gas suckers, bitch fuckers, and the result of Natalie Wood and James Carryl (after sundown), are the cannon fodder of the Covenant. They are known to huff lighter fluid in their spare time as well as attending the Nipple Academy before becoming the sexually-abused soldiers of the Covenant. Despite their size and physical appearance, the grunts are actually the most intelligent race of beings ever to grace the universe with their knowledge. Shortly after the UNSC created Titanfall, the grunts improved the human design and created Titanfall 2. These motherfuckers are also the king of the world. Overview Grunts are creatures that enjoy grunting. This grunting causes them to be named Grunts. A Grunt who cannot grunt is not a Grunt, but a disgruntled Human spy. This is insanely obvious when it happens. A Grunt's skull has an odd tendency to explode when shot. At first, the head would explode with the force of a grenade, killing nearby friendly troops to death. In order to rectify the problem and stop having to put really, really stupid epitaphs on its troops' gravestones, The Covenant made a chemical which was then injected into the Grunts' nipples that stop them exploding so fiercely. The downside of this chemical is that it turns the Grunt's brain different colours and textures so it resembles confetti. The Grunt also gets an uncontrollable urge to shout "Yay!" in a childlike voice before dying, which can be quite annoying; the most popular theory for this ejaculation is that the chemical causes them such extreme constant pain and suffering that they are elated to be put out of their misery. That or they are just so high that the shit they've been huffing made that noise. Weird? Damn straight. History Despite seeming to be the weakest creatures in the Covenant (sentient or not), Grunts are actually the real masterminds behind the Covenant's religious crusade against everything and anything that doesn't agree with it. Controlling even the Prophets from behind the scenes, Grunts only act cowardly and weak to throw off suspicion to their Prophet scapegoats. If the Covenant decides to turn against the grunts, the grunts will whip out the Food nipple destroy the Covenant through wholly undiscovered means. It was, in fact, the Grunts who created the Halo installations, gave the Covenant and the Forerunners the advanced technologies, created the wheel, gave Grunt Moses the Three Commandments: (1: Shut the hell up about Flipyap, 2: There are no more Jolly Ranchers; they're all gone, 3: When we pass a sign please don't read it out loud), gave birth to Arnold Swartzchenegger, and were there when a god-like creature created the Universe. They promptly ate her, agreeing that she tasted mildly of strawberry with a tint of 42. They then moved in, and have spent the last 12 billion years monitoring evolution. Grunts have an average IQ of +9000: easily enough to see that handing them a gun and sending them against so many heathens is a stupid way to wage war. So they don't. They sit down and enter a meditative state, meant to destroy their enemies' morale. Somehow. Unfortunately, stupid members of the Covenant and most humans mistake this for sleep. Nothing could be further from the truth... Even when they appear to run away from their attackers, they are really luring them into an ambush, for dying doesn't really kill the marvelous Grunts, which is why when you throw a grenade at their bodies they will usually flail their arms wildly in mid-flight. Some of the less gifted grunts simply run from Spartans, as they are smarter then most Covenant, knowing to run from Master Chief. A little-known fact about grunts is that, due to the atmosphere of their home-world being composed always of burning marijuana, they are always, always high. If you were born and raised into a world where the atmosphere is marijuana, you'd be high twenty-four hours a day, too (Note: Some retarded researchers believe that the Grunt homeworld is actually made from methane, not Marijuana. This is incorrect, and is in fact propaganda distributed by the Grunts to prevent potheads from arriving in their planets by the boatload and causing overpopulation). ]] Physiology and History Grunts are born short. They live short, they shoot short, they encompass short, which is why it is impossible to run them over with a Ghost in the first Halo game much to the disappointment of their Elite commanders. While the game manual seems to say they are five feet tall, most of the time, humans seem at least two feet taller. This size, coupled along with their obvious mental capabilities, begs the question "why are they even in the Covenant military?" This is because of three things. They have numbers, and breed like deranged rabbits on ecstasy. In addition, after nearly turning their world into a crystal ball, the Elites felt bad for them, and offered them a place in their military force - At least, that is the official story. In actuality, the Elites found them to be humorous, the same way a bully finds a victim humorous, and has him do things that no one else would do, all the while claiming that they were "friends", when in reality, the bullies were laughing at the gullible pawns. Little did they know that the Prophets were doing the same thing to them. And the Grunts were doing the same thing to the Prophets (Goggles cannot protect from the acidic properties of this level of Irony). the reason that in reach grunts blow up so much is that they get to high on "methane", which is basically crystal meth. The strange thing about Grunts is that while they are extremely strong, they rarely ever use this strength. You can see a Grunt carrying around a Fuel Rod Cannon in one arm without any effort but never punch anyone. They hide that strength away from everyone; if anyone knew, their plans for galaxy domination would be discovered and a millenia of planning would go down the drain. Also, if they hit someone, the "Legendary" description would not be suited, it would have to be "Mythic" - Wait, that difficulty actually exists? Pray for your souls, men. Pray for your souls. Grunts are also known to be adept gangsters, and often mug their Jiralhanae superiors. The grunts are known try to make the games a little balanced by playing the role of weaklings - however, this strength has been shown with an immunity to AIDS and the ability to throw Plasma grenades without getting the weapons stuck in their hands and being blown into delicious little grunty pieces. According to legend, there was one grunt who revealed his strength to the three Spartans he was facing and manage to beat them in one badass sequence. Grunt Ranks Grunts come in many colours and flavours. Aside from the notorious pink "Gay Pride" grunt, there are also lime "Heavy" grunts, tangy orange "Grunt Minors", shit green "imperials" and blackberry "Special Operations" grunts, and many, many more, now with low high quality protective casing to keep that tasty, tasty flesh in tip-top condition! Main Ranks * Grunt Ultra - We don't know much about these guys. All we know is Kwarsh was a Grunt Ultra, same as Bapyap. Ultras taste like plain toothpaste, although Kwarsh is rumoured to taste like fudge and be made of swag. * The Psychic Grunt - The most famous Grunt in history! He is known for having mocked Master Chief about his childhood. Only one Grunt carries this position. He is also notable for somehow finding the one place in the level that doesn't eventually collapse, further proving his psychic powers. He was made of awesome and tasted like victory, and was the only Grunt capable of pwning Kwarsh. * Special Operations Grunt - These grunts do the "Special Operations" with Elites. They taste like licorice. * Heavy Grunt - A grunt that has grown heavy on Nachos. They taste like limes, and the turrets which they man taste like metal because they're made of the stuff. What idiot tries to eat a turret? Oh. Never mind. * Grunt Minor - A grunt that knows how to fire a Plasma Pistol. It tastes of freshly squeezed oranges. * Grunt Major - A grunt that knows how to avoid shootings its allies with a Plasma Pistol. It tastes like a cherry and is therefore coveted by collectors for its rarity. Other Ranks and what they taste like * Deacon - The only position where grunts can do politics in Ministry of Tranquility. It tastes like a toothbrush. * Kamikaze Grunt - Suicidal emo grunts - these grunts stick Plasma Grenades to their hands and attempt to rush at the enemy - the explosive properties of their balls tend to kill both themselves and their opponents before either can be eaten. * Heretic Grunt - Traitorous grunts that got killed by Arbiter. They also wore bright yellow suits and their faction generally looked like it was attempting a steampunk theme, but the theme didn't quite work out so they just left it. It tastes like plain potato chips. * The rumoured Fish Grunt. The only named grunt with this position in the covenant was Dipshat, notable for being born retarded-looking and eventually falling through a portal into Oblivion. He tasted of stale fish, so no Brutes missed him particularly dearly. * Grunt Rangers- These grunts are the retarded grunts who are Elite-wannabes. They look like they're wearing the armor the Space Squids wear, and taste of Blueberry fruit gushers. YUM!!! Heroes Grunts have had many heroes, from the grunt that sparked the Grunt Rebellion to that one Grunt that killed thirty Spartan threes (That's like 90 spartans or something) with a single fuel rod cannon shot. Grunts consider anybody who doesn't run away from a spider or water a hero. {C Unfortunately for Grunt culture, Grunts do not feel like remembering surnames, so all known Grunt heroes are known only as follows: * Lee - Was the first Grunt to learn kung-fu from the human named Bruce Lee. Now many Grunts know kung-fu, but he was the first. * Yayap - (Also remembered as Darth Yapap in the Grunt culture) was the central instrument in the destruction of the first Halo; by betraying his commanding Elite, he gave Cortana access to The Pillar of Autumn's computer systems but that bastard Master Chief took all the credit. Really, Yayap should have been the main character for the first Halo game. * Dadab - Yayap's son, a high-ranking officer in the Covenant. He was the guy who really destroyed the San'Shyuum home planet, but when the Prophets went to ask Yayap what happened to the planet, he replied 'Oh, it was consumed by the son'. The prophets mistakenly beleived that he had said 'sun' so history was made. * Kwassass - Activated Grunt-made thermonuclear device and destroyed the entire elite Covenant fleet along with High Charity and fourteen planets. * Bapyap - Kwarsh's best friend. * Yapflip - Went to nipple academy with Flipyap. * JubJub - Died a horrible death. * Random Grunt - Provides quotes for nearly everything; is Halo's equivalent to Oscar Wilde. * Yomal - (also called Yamal the camel; however, he is not actually a camel) is a short grunt, even by grunt standards, who can camouflage himself well in the darkness. he was banished for his betrayal of Gruntkind and forced to leave his home system. He took refuge living in a hovel on a a small planet named... DAGOBAH. *Dramatic music* * Taters - Kwarsh's wingman who became a hero along with the Brute "Meat". Received the Medal of Dishonour, the highest-ranking award in Grunt society. * Jabyaber - The only Grunt to own a chocolate-dispensing food nipple. To this day, he is constantly protecting it. * Gagap - The first grunt to be executed for throwing confetti. * Flipyap - went to nipple academy with Yapflip. He didn't really do much else but he never ran away from a battle so, technically, he's a hero. Although this doesn't mean much since he was Drunk (and asleep) during all of the battles of the entire war. * Kwarsh - Self-Proclaimed High Prophet of the Covenant. Is not actually High Prophet of the Covenant. * Jet Grunt- An Asian movie star of the present day, like Lee, he learned his skills from a human. He is currently living on 21st century Earth, disguised as a human himself. His whereabouts are unknown. * Poonflip - The flippiest poon ever. * Punt Grunt -The grunt Brutes use as a football. * Grunt Norris - The grunt that invented Gruntiness. (He kicked some serious ass) * Pagaga - Woke up one day to find himself covered in multicoloured hyperlinks, and was subsequently worshipped by a small obscure religion. * Gruntie - Founded the Covenant, and therefore was awarded the honour of becoming the prefix of several words in the Gruntie language - Indeed, one of the most popular phrases for a grunt to say in battle is "Fear my gruntie might!" therefore, through calling upon the spirit of Gruntie, a grunt can vanquish its opponents and become victor this fine, fine day. * Dalolgag - Better known as "The final grunt". * Sapap - Famous Grunt sniper, died after falling asleep during a mission to assassinate The Chief, falling off his tree branch and into a river. * Mappapp - Currently downloadable for the Apple Iphone, this Grunt was accidentally transformed into an Iphone Application when he activated an unknown piece of Forerunner Technology. * Emotionally Unstable Grunt - Man, he goes to pieces so fast, people get hit by the shrapnel. * Faptit - Commandeered a Phantom for the Prophet of Haters. He was fired after not picking up enough hookers for Haters. His whereabouts are unknown, although he has become a skilled pilot and a ruthless mercenary for various crimelords. * Yipyip - only grunt known to fight the MC hand-to-hand and survive * RageGrunt - FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKK * Nippal - Was in charge of destroying the planet McDonalds. He invented the Food Nipple, and has been awarded countless amount of medals, and has killed countless amounts of orphans. These orphans were subsequently distributed for use in Food Nipples. *Selfdenial - The grunt who wrote this article. *Gayfag- was once two separate grunts, but they went gay for eachother and merged into a giant gruntiness-generating badass. * Yoda - Used the force. and finaly...that random pedo grunt ho raped your son/future son (the lucky basturd also had sex with cortana in her secret solid version which makes him a hero) *Cheeseyap- he lives in cheesetown eating nothing but cheese and making love to his wife... Who is made of cheese. Cool? Fucking right it is!!!!! *Peranap - The grunt who had a horrible death by activating forerunner technology while his jackal buddy was next to him. Their DNA was mixed together and it created a flesh monstrosity. Combat Style Their combat style seems to be based off tireless observations of the method with which eight-year olds respond to an attacking bully: They scream and run away. Sometimes however, they throw their plasma pistols at their enemy before screaming and running away. Their other combat style is not too bright either; it involves setting pathetic traps which never work before screaming and running away. Their traps include leaving a beam rifle on the ground, expecting a human to pick it up and shoot themselves but this plan usually fails miserably. Other than that, they use the good old classic "banana peel trick" which again never works, but instead, it attracts Donkey Kong and Diddy Kong, who in return play baseball with the grunts' faces. Grunts for this reason, often see the banana peel trick unfair on their species and a waste of a banana. Grunts tend to be slaves to classic traps such as 'The bucket full of plasma perched above a door' which of course never works. They feel the need to use these traps as at birth they are forced to watch 900 hours of 'Laurel and Hardy'. It is this indocrination that makes their combat skills fail. Grunt Ships A strange Sight in the Covenant's Navy, mainly because they suck, Grunt commanded ships do however exist. Their main role is to sit in the way of larger more important elite commanded ships and take fire from the humans. {C They also can be used for: *Flood infection tests *Weapon Tests *Target Practice *Crashing into things *Insurance scams *Things to Distract the Master Chief with, so he doesn't kill anything important *Bases for Covenant Pirate Radio stations *God knows what other cruel things the Fuckenant does to torture the cuddly Grunts. *brute toss *to destract the unsc while everyone escapes the battle *to hunt down the enemy Quotes by Grunts and About Grunts Gallery Below and to the right is a picture of how a grunt looks without its atmosphere mask. Please keep in mind that, being omnipotent beings, they have no need for them and as such the apparel is purely for cosmetic reasons. They also shop at Hooter's. Remember to say hi. 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